Sunday, 3 June 2012

Mars and Venus

Having kids has made me twice the woman I used to be. According to the bathroom scales that is. Note to hormonal mothers of titchy tiny newborn babies: do NOT attempt to weigh yourself again EVER. Banish the scales to the bottom of the dirty washing basket or some other place you never see. As my not-so-titchy-tiny newborn is gaining weight at the monstrous rate of about 500g a week, I was hoping that I might have some kind of corresponding weight loss. He is after all, literally sucking the life out of me at 3-hourly intervals night and day. No such luck. Add to this the fact that my stomach muscles seem to have packed up and emigrated to opposite sides of the globe and it's not at all a pretty picture.

God was obviously playing a little game when he created woman to see how many different ways he (obviously 'he' if my theory is true) could make us suffer. Painful period cramps once a month - check. Morning sickness - check. Exhaustion and ugly weight gain throughout/after pregnancy - check. General searing agony of birth - check. Cracked/bleeding nipples and exploding boobs during breastfeeding - check. I can only imagine the joys the menopause will bring. Hot flashes and facial hair anyone? Men, on the other hand only have to deal with, ummm... shaving? Nb: grey-haired man = George Clooney. Grey-haired woman = warty Wicked Witch of the West. Humph.

Of course, men don't get to have the experience of bearing children so, ultimately, I wouldn't be a man for all the nipple lotion in China. Plus, I'd hate being incapable of doing more than one thing at a time (unless it involves the bathroom and an iPhone) and it must be awful having all those bits and pieces flopping around on the outside like that. Very messy.

I still can't quite believe that I've unwittingly unleashed another little man on the world. He's only five weeks old and his incapacity to multitask has already been certified as he stops everything (including, incredibly, feeding) to fart.

No comments: