Jack Morozzo

My ideal birth scenario never really included (a) my waters breaking while home alone giving Isabel her evening bath, or (b) not being able to locate my other half for an increasingly panicky and contraction-filled 2 hours. Just so you know, G's iPhone is like Isabel's blanky - he can't function without it. If he accidentally goes out of the house without it, I have to find a paper bag for him to breathe into to calm down. He can't go the the bathroom without it. If we ever get divorced, you can bet that his iPhone will be cited as the principal cause. Thank you very much, Mr Jobs. The only time it's switched off, apparently, is when his wife is going into labour and needs him to get the f*@k home right f*@king now (please). Not only was his phone switched off, but he was at some random, underground bicycle event which was so off-the-radar obscure that it took me over an hour to find it online. By the time I'd found it and called the number, he was already on his way home (to face an enormous bollocking between contractions).

Once we finally got to hospital, the birth took an agonising but lightening-quick 4 hours, during which time I hoped to die several times but somehow miraculously didn't. By the time I was screaming for the epidural, the little fellow was already wriggling his way down the birth canal. He popped out around 3.20am, weighing 3.6kg (that's about 8lb in real money) and measuring 52cm. One week early. Call me Elastigirl, but I managed to get away without a single stitch - although 6 days on and I still have to think very, very carefully about how I sit down. I don't dare sneeze in case my liver or some such comes flying out. You'll know what I mean if you've given birth... It's a nasty business.

Anyway, three became four. What an awesomely terrifying thought - along with the fact that I have to face not sleeping again at night until God-knows-when, red-hot poker nipples (and not in a good way), an infinite quantity of squirting korma-coloured poo and, shock of shocks, a baby BOY with a little WILLY that's already sprayed me with pee several times. Love it.