Saturday, 20 December 2008

Bomb attack on local Post Office

(translated into English from the Italian daily newspaper ‘Il Telegrafo’)

Italian police are currently searching for 30 year old English woman, Melissa Morozzo, after she exploded a home made bomb in the Via Alamanni branch of the Post Office Bank in Florence yesterday morning. Nobody was seriously hurt in the blast although several Post Office employees suffered paper cuts after the piles of forms littering their desks were blown into the air. Thirty five customers who were queuing at the time are also being treated for bruising caused by flying rubber ink stamps.

The clerk who had been serving Mrs Morozzo at the time said in a statement to police that, ‘Signora Morozzo had come in earlier in the day wanting to close her current account with us and I had sent her away with a list of documents and forms she needed to do this. She came back two hours later but had forgotten to bring her full birth certificate, officially translated into Italian by the British consulate and signed by the chief of police, a high court judge and the Prime Minister. I tried to explain this to her, remembering our company policy that “the customer is always wrong and smiles are for sissies”, but she just started shouting and screaming. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor two metres behind my desk with my head centimetres from the paper shredder. Complete pandemonium had broken out.’

Another eye witness, a 40 year old man from Cameroon who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of a reprisal, claims that Mrs Morozzo’s last words before throwing the bomb and escaping were, ‘you can shove your stupid pen on a bit of string up your a*?!’.

Police bomb disposal experts have analysed the explosive device and found that it was made from a highly dangerous concoction of household cleaning products, the juice of two lemons and a large quantity of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce (toxic condiments commonly used by the English to flavour their otherwise tasteless food and available in Italy in dodgy Chinese grocery stores). Mrs Morozzo’s house has been searched and her computer has been confiscated by the police after several articles were found on it concerning her long-standing hatred of the Italian Post Office. Some articles were also found about ATAF, Florence’s public transport company, and police have revealed that they now fear a repeat attack on one of the city’s many efficient, clean and punctual buses. Mrs Morozzo’s husband and family have been questioned and declined to comment.

The Post Office has long been something of a role model in terms of customer service in Italy and there has been a general outcry from banks and the public service sector following this attack. In an official statement, a Post Office spokesman interrupted his morning cappuccino and brioche to state that, ‘the Post Office believes in treating all its customers equally. If we bend the rules for one then we have to bend the rules for everyone. This incident clearly demonstrates the danger our clerks face daily and plans to put bullet proof glass between staff and the customers are being considered.’

A nationwide search is being undertaken to find Mrs Morozzo, who is tall, dark haired and very English looking, both for her natural pallor and unstylish way of dressing. If spotted she should not be approached. Readers are urged to contact their local police if they have any information concerning her whereabouts.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

very very funny, I will inform the police that a Marmite trap will be the most effective way of apprehending you!

Emma said...

.....last seen terrorising japanese waiting staff with a boat in a sushi restaurant in the centre of Florence.
Don't worry sweetie I won't tell the bastards where you are!
(Could you give me your recipe? I feel a trip to the Siena courthouse coming on.....)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Made me laugh out loud several times. More of the same please? x Sarah

Anonymous said...

Ditto! More of the same please!!!

Monika said...

Thought of you today as I was at the post office....waiting waiting waiting for the woman to serve me but she was too busy having a chat with her colleague! I HATE the post office! And i was too scared to say anything as I had a feeling my envelope would probably go in the bin had I brought to their attention the fundamentals of customer service!